When is enough…. enough in your career?

We spend so much of our lives chasing a sense of doing “enough” and being “enough.” 

Though I anticipate it’s been years in the making, I feel like I woke up one day and just had enough… and not in a hopeless way. It was more of an awakening and a permission to stop running on the perpetual treadmill without a finish line in sight.

At first, I felt a wave of grief as I let go of the false illusions that I had been holding onto of what life needed to be and who I needed to be. And then I transitioned into a period of rebirth as I reclaimed my own life and my own definition of what it meant to be enough.

So, let’s dive into “enoughness.” As I know many relate to the ride, I hope sharing my journey helps you to find your peace, too. 

First, the reflection: 

Throughout life, I've been judged for being too big, too small, too quiet, or too loud. A dentist, but not a surgeon. A surgical resident- but not a certain type of surgical resident. And of course, for being a female in male dominated fields. The list goes on and on. 

I was in the Air Force and jokingly was told I wasn't "military enough" compared to other branches. As a dentist, I wasn't "doctor enough”, and even after getting my MD, I still was not “enough” because I was choosing to transfer out of surgery. 

After transferring from Oral and Maxillofacial Surgery, I specialized in Oral Medicine, so then I belonged in both dentistry and medicine, yet simultaneously didn’t feel like I belonged in either. 

While sorting out where I belonged, I transitioned from a full time clinical position into a full time research position. Yet, as a new researcher, I did not have "enough" publications.

Then I contributed to more publications, but not yet “enough” first author publications.

As I prepare more first author publications, I am introduced to the concept of “impact factors” and pushed to question if the journals I choose have impact factors that are good “enough.” 

While I focus on research and take my much needed hiatus from the clinic, I am left wondering and worrying that I may not be doing “enough” for the patients.

PAUSE. BREATHE. PROCESS.

As I sit in this storm of emotions, I acknowledge a key rumination that keeps me trapped in an endless cycle of never doing or simply being “enough”

And it is here that I pause to challenge my thought pattern with a simple question from “The Work” by Byron Katie- “Is It True?”

Is it true that nothing I ever did was “enough”? That I am not “enough”?

No.

The reality is that I had developed this deep internal belief about myself and then confirmation bias provided me the opportunity to find ways to prove myself correct. Without a sense of inner self-worth and inherent “enoughness,” I hyper-fixated on all the feedback I received that told me I was “too little” or “too much” - comments that often reflect the other person’s internal insecurities and values… and I believed them deeply because of my own insecurities.

And then BAM… I hit the wall… I HAD enough.

Stunned by the impact, I sat in an existential crisis and, this time, instead of running for another accomplishment or diving into overwork in order to temporarily numb the pain of this emptiness… I sat. I observed. I silenced the mind. I decided… No. More. Spinning. Enough is enough.

I stepped off the merry-go-round and started learning more skills in how to be still, silent, and process through all the emptiness. At first, it felt like a hole of darkness… empty, lonely, and cold.. However, over time, this darkness turned into hope and the black hole was replaced by a blank, bright white canvas with limitless possibilities. I began to feel grounded as I picked up the paintbrush while surrounded by a vast array of paint colors… admiring the newfound lightness and excitement as I realized that I get to create the painting before me… a representation of my life and a vision board of hope and rebirth.

And as I breathe in and prepare to put color to the canvas, I put my hand to my heart and remind myself– You are safe. You are whole. You are “enough.”

Breathe out. Long exhale.

Breathe in and repeat. You are safe. You are whole. You are “enough.”

Join me as desired and know that… at this very moment… You are “enough.” Now and always.

Originally published on KevinMD and revised for The Modern Surgeon

Jillian Rigert (@jillian_rigert) is an Oral Medicine Physician who is also a Professional Leadership Coach, Blogger, and YouTube Enthusiast.

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The opinions expressed in the article is not affiliated with any institution, company or product. The article should not be interpreted as medical advice.

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